so begins the summer

     Life never pans out how we would like it to, or how we would expect it to.
No matter what we plan for ourselves, things always get in the way, or something happens and the course of our lives takes a turn.
     I'm reconsidering basically everything right now. I'm discouraged and so close to giving up on this photography dream. Even if i do succeed with it, I feel like getting paid to do it would take away the love. I just want to do it for the pure love and enjoyment of it. I don't know what I'm really doing anymore....Nor do I even care....as long as I can live the unplanned life happily with someone else.
I think I'm just sick and tired of school. I have about 2 semesters left at OCC, my grades were absolutely TERRIBLE this semester...and I just want to quit. But i can't....that's not the way I was taught.
Ever miss being say, oh, 8 years old? Well, not even miss it-but just remember the insignificance of our problems at the time. I think my biggest worry was probably the boy who pushed me over on the bus and having to see him the next day. Now my worries consist of bills, school, work, making sure my car runs okay (which for a while now, i haven't checked the oil and I know its pretty much empty), grades, friends, bad habits to break, weight,  and whether or not I will EVER sell a stupid photograph. The list goes on and on.
       I don't even know. I just want to enjoy this summer. I was hoping that being done with school would result in a little less stress...but it hasn't gotten to that point....anywhere near to it actually. I don't know what it is I'm feeling...mostly fear, I think. Fear that I won't end up doing anything with my life....Fear that I won't get the approval of my parents, fear of being hurt, fear of falling in love.
 But my mother has always taught me that we can't live our lives in fear. She (and many others) have always said that fear is a sin. So I'm not going to let it consume me....I will let everything good this summer consume me and fill me to the brim-until my cup spills over....


 I don't mean to sound like a depressed, whiny little girl. I'm really not. I have amazing friends who are supportive toward me no matter what. I could trust them with my life. I have an amazing boyfriend who steals a piece of my heart everyday. No joke. I pray that I'm led toward the life I'm supposed to lead-I hope I'm headed in the right direction





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